Sometimes I feel like that girl from the Willy Wonka movies (Veruca Salt, I looked it up...), the girl that wants and wants a wants. "I want a golden goose!" I know that it is only human to want, it's natural. Clearly, Miss Salt went about her urges in the wrong manor. She was a bad egg and ultimately went down the shaft that the other bad eggs went down, but she's not completely in the wrong just for having desires right? It would be abnormal to not desire things, to not have goals and dreams. I think it boils down to why we want what we want. The comparison between Veruca and I ends at the wanting.
I'm fortunate enough to have a reliable, enjoyable job, especially with today’s economic uncertainties. Most of you who read this will likely know that I'm a full time worship arts pastor. It's a job that I had dreamed of since in was in 5th grade and started learning guitar from my Dad. I went through middle school and joined the youth worship team. I wanted more. I went through ninth and tenth grade playing with the youth team and the adult team on Sundays. I always wanted more. By my junior year I was asked to lead the Sunday morning worship team each week. I didn't have to pick out songs or organize the team or schedule volunteers. I still wanted more. I went off the Oklahoma to do the college thing and I got a part time job as a youth worship leader at a church in Tulsa. I definitely wanted more. A few months later, the worship pastor moved on to his next chapter and I was asked to step up and become the worship pastor. For the next several years, I had all I could handle and believe me, I didn't want any more!
I'm fortunate enough to have a reliable, enjoyable job, especially with today’s economic uncertainties. Most of you who read this will likely know that I'm a full time worship arts pastor. It's a job that I had dreamed of since in was in 5th grade and started learning guitar from my Dad. I went through middle school and joined the youth worship team. I wanted more. I went through ninth and tenth grade playing with the youth team and the adult team on Sundays. I always wanted more. By my junior year I was asked to lead the Sunday morning worship team each week. I didn't have to pick out songs or organize the team or schedule volunteers. I still wanted more. I went off the Oklahoma to do the college thing and I got a part time job as a youth worship leader at a church in Tulsa. I definitely wanted more. A few months later, the worship pastor moved on to his next chapter and I was asked to step up and become the worship pastor. For the next several years, I had all I could handle and believe me, I didn't want any more!
Today, I'm over four years into my "dream job," and I find myself wanting more. What does that mean? What more could I want when I am doing what I've dreamed of doing for years? I think back on when I first started at this position and all that I have learned. The learning didn't stop after one or two or three or even four years, it happened and still happens all the time. What I'm saying is, God is teaching me and growing me right here where I am. My desire for more is not tied to a desire to work somewhere else or to get paid more money. My desires stem from wanting to have a bigger impact. I want to be great at what I do. I want to lead multitudes into the presence of God. I want to write songs that bring glory to God. I want I want I want! Let's go back to Veruca, she wanted for selfish reasons. She wanted for her own good. I want so badly to expand what God does through me, not for me.
I recognize that my gift is not talent. I don't see myself as an above average anything (guitar player, singer, song writer), but when I focus on worship and on exalting the One who made me for this purpose, that's when I find my purpose and strength. A good friend of mind told me that what I have is far different than talent; it's a gift and a calling from the Most High God. I don't say that to pat myself on the back. I am firmly against self-promotion, especially when my job is to reflect any and all attention away from me to where it belongs. So how could I possibly want more? How could I justify my longing to be used more, and how can I go about seeking ways to be used more? Or do I?
I struggle with these thoughts almost constantly. In truth, I get so focused on appearing to be humble that I've become prideful of my humility. "Great worship today Collin, awesome set." I hear it enough to have perfected the response; I look down at my shoes, sag my shoulders in an effort to shrink myself as much as possible before saying something like... "Thank you, I do my best" or "Amen brother, hallelujah" (ok i've never said that and if I do, feel free to kick me in the shin). The point is, I've gotten really good at taking zero credit, so good that I am really proud of myself. I'm pretty certain that my responses are appropriate, but my motive is to appear self-less, not to give God glory. It's a balancing act that I've gotten too good at. No more. That was a bit of a rabbit trail, but it’s all part of the thought process for me.
I struggle with these thoughts almost constantly. In truth, I get so focused on appearing to be humble that I've become prideful of my humility. "Great worship today Collin, awesome set." I hear it enough to have perfected the response; I look down at my shoes, sag my shoulders in an effort to shrink myself as much as possible before saying something like... "Thank you, I do my best" or "Amen brother, hallelujah" (ok i've never said that and if I do, feel free to kick me in the shin). The point is, I've gotten really good at taking zero credit, so good that I am really proud of myself. I'm pretty certain that my responses are appropriate, but my motive is to appear self-less, not to give God glory. It's a balancing act that I've gotten too good at. No more. That was a bit of a rabbit trail, but it’s all part of the thought process for me.
In my heart of hearts, I want God to use me for greater things and I really and truly don't want the credit. I know that God has given me dreams and goals, but not to distract me. So yes, I want more. More can be right here, more can mean so many things. Wanting is good, it can push me out of my comfort zone. It can force me to work harder. It can push me in new directions, but that’s only ok if it’s His direction, not mine or ours. For now I’ll focus on worshipping, writing, and serving with all of my heart, as working for the Lord.
“…And whatever you do, work at it with all of your heart as working for the Lord and not for men. – Colossians 3:23
No comments:
Post a Comment