Look What I Found (March 31, 2010)

I spent the last weekend plus with my family in New Hampshire. Monday, March 29th marked the one year anniversary of my Fathers "move" away from his earthly body. It's hard to imagine how a year could have passed so quickly. The sting is still like it all happened two days ago. It has been especially hard for me; I am the only member of my family who is not in New Hampshire. That has been overwhelmingly difficult to deal with at times. I've dealt with my own guilt for not being there for my mother and little brothers. I've been dealing with the sorrow of not being able to visit my Fathers grave site. I've had times when I've wanted nothing more than to be around my family and aside from a few days every 4 months, it's not possible. It's been heartbreaking. During my most recent visit, I prepared myself for emotional meltdowns and breakthroughs, I was ready to grieve. In my head I thought the visit would be based soley around saying good-bye to Dad again. What I found was vastly unexpected and equally effective. We've been without Dad for a year, and life has continued. Each member of my family has continued, including my wife and I. When I went home, I expected us to all go back to one year ago, but life has moved forward and so have we. Life has moved forward, and we haven't necessarily moved on, but we too have moved forward. So, as i expected to see tears shed and emotion on display, I saw life. I saw two young men (13 and 15) full of joy and living life to it's fullest, playing xbox like normal kids and running outside and thriving. I didn't see two boys who lost their Father at a crucial stage of any childs life. I saw a Mother who desires the absolute best for all her children. I saw a mother who desires so badly to fill the Fatehrless void for her two young sons, and gives them everything she has. I saw her equally content to be their mother, knowing she can't fill certain holes. I saw older brothers both with two young boys, being Fathers themselves, sacrificing and fighting for the very best for their own children. I saw older sisters with lives and homes and families. Life was in abundance. I was really hoping to be able to discard some of the pain and sorrow I try to lock up until the time to let it go is right. The truth is, what I experienced during my visit was incomparably better than what I was hoping for. I see life, I see a family. I see love passed down from a Father who fought for his family. I see his life and his ethics and morals still being lived out, perhaps even more so than ever. Most importanly to me, I have seen that my guilt for not having been there this past year is mine alone. Life has me in Oklahoma and so does the Lord, I know it with all of my heart. This past week I saw a family, my family, living life to the fullest. I believe in doing so, Ian Campbell is honored and remembered. Ne Obliviscaris - Never Forget.